Relationships Part 2

So you would like a healthy relationship? A healthier relationship? Hopefully you've read about what not to do in my last post. If so, you've got some ideas on things you may need to eliminate from your relationship, or an idea that you may in fact need to eliminate the relationship you are in and start over. Because healthy relationships require two (that's right-two) fairly emotionally healthy people who are committed to the relationship and are willing to do the work to keep it going. If only one party is emotionally healthy and/or willing to do the work, the relationship will be lopsidedly limping along, with one person carrying the burden of the whole. And this starts to make that one person very tired, stressed and worn out, so that after a while, you have not one but two emotionally unhealthy people. If you partner isn't willing to share the load, isn't emotionally healthy, or willing to do the work to get themselves there, you have some thinking to do.

 

So what goes on in healthy successful relationships?

 

1) Each person takes responsibility for their own actions and each values, respects and loves themselves, while valuing, respecting and showing love to their partner. And this starts with you.

 

If you don't believe you are lovable and worthy of respect, there is a very good chance you will choose a partner who isn't capable or able to show you love and respect. Our outer realities reflect our inner realities. You'll end up believing that it is your fault your partner calls you names or acts in unloving ways. This will almost seem normal, because in your own head you are busy calling yourself down, berating yourself, telling yourself you are unlovable, so in some weird way, your partner's bad treatment of you actually makes sense.

 

If you value, respect and love yourself, you won't hang around with anyone who treats you badly, or unlovingly, because you KNOW you are deserving of love (and PS-everyone is deserving of love right from the moment of birth, though sadly some people are born into situations where parents aren't very good at giving it) and that people who treat others badly have some real issues of their own they need to do some big work on. You know that this is their stuff, and that it has nothing to do with your own worth or lovability.

 

None of us is perfect and we all have work to do on how we feel about ourselves. In successful relationships, hurt happens, but the person who has hurt another takes responsibility for it and corrects their behavior immediately. Each partner strives to be kind and loving toward the other and minimize the potential for hurt.

 

2) Actions match words

 

Ever heard the saying "the proof is in the pudding."? It is. I can tell you I have a fabulous pudding recipe. You can look at the words on paper and think "Wow! Yummy!" But if you follow the recipe and the pudding tastes like rotten broccoli, you're likely to chuck the recipe and call BS. Some of you might try making the recipe a second time, just to ensure there was no error on your own part, but when attempt 2 tastes as bad as attempt 1, into the trash bin the recipe should go.

 

Words mean nothing. Even if they're written in some fancy font. The proof is in the pudding, or in the case of relationships-actions. And the actions of someone who loves you match the words they say. They treat you in loving, kind ways. They are considerate of your feelings, and if they are not, they apologize and do better, they don't create word soup trying  to convince you that their lousy treatment of you is your fault. In healthy relationships the actions of both partners are in congruence with the words spoken.

 

3) Partners take influence from each other

 

"I'd really appreciate it if you could call me if you're going to be late for dinner." Their partner calls and tells them they will be late.

"I just need 20 minutes of down time after work to decompress." Their partner hears this and gives them space.

"I feel most loved by you when we are physically affectionate." The desire is noted and the partner acts on this.

 

Playing rebel without a cause is something a lot of us are familiar with, but if you are in a relationship, it's time to drop the James Dean act, unless the cause you don't want IS your relationship. And "nobody tells me what to do." is a funny statement when it comes out of the mouth of a 5 year old. If it's coming out of your mouth as an adult, it's a signal you still have some growing up to do. If you felt highly controlled growing up, there's a good chance this may be hitting a nerve-because any request can seem like a form of control. But if you want a successful relationship, responding to your partner's desires, likes, and needs-wanting to give them what they like-well, it creates positive feelings, breeds love, makes them feel valued and important, and this is what relationships are all about. Good ones anyway.

 

(Gary Chapman has written a book on the 5 Love Languages that is a good read for couples. While I don't agree with everything he says in his book, discerning your partner's love language and responding to it promotes bonding and attachment in relationship)

 

4) It's all about us.

 

Me and you are now an entity, both separate and together. This isn't always an easy tightrope to walk. Each of you has your own interests, sources of happiness, and identity, and the relationship is your primary vision. How does what you and I need work within the relationship? You support and encourage one another and there is a foundation of trust in each other. You do things to feed the relationship, because you know that anything left unfed, will wither, then starve. A malnourished relationship is a weak relationship. If an outsider ventures near and begins to feed one of you what you have been lacking, you will begin to bend toward that outsider, seeking sustenance. Feed yourselves, feed the relationship.

 

5) Communication

 

Grunting is not considered a form of positive communication. Neither is swearing, lying, yelling, name calling, manipulating, shutting down, ignoring, being passive aggressive, blaming  or having to be right. If you don't believe me, go spend 15 minutes in front of a mirror doing this to yourself. Although when you are ignoring yourself, you may want to occasionally peek over your shoulder with a petulant look to get the total effect. It isn't pretty is it? And actually, it's so idiotic looking, it's funny.

 

The point of communication is two fold. To express oneself and to understand another. The point of communication isn't necessarily about agreement. Each of us is our own unique person, with our own experiences, and perspectives on the world. Our way of seeing the world, of doing things, will not always agree with another person's, including our partner. Healthy, successful couples are aware of this, and can live with disagreement because they are respectful about it, and they keep lines of communication open even in situations where there is disagreement. They talk about everything including  their feelings, their concerns, their resentments if they have them. They don't shut down to avoid conflict, because even when they are conflicting, the arena is safe. They're not out for blood or to win. They want to understand.

 

 

 

Relationships -Part 1

As I sit here staring at my computer, I wonder if I really want to open the Pandora's Box of  writing on this subject. My brain is a whirlwind of activity, threatening to charge full bore into overload. Where do I start? Where do I end?  How about I start at the end...Ass backwards works for me. And maybe if more couples know the factors that will rush them toward their eventual demise, they'll stop doing what they're doing and do something differently. And so, without further ado, here are the top however many things I come up with that will end your relationship. It may be sooner, it may be later, but don't act surprised when the death knell tolls if you are engaging in any of this with your partner.

1)  Abuse

 Ranging from overt physical violence to covert emotional undermining, abuse takes many forms. And if you are in an abusive relationship, it's more of a hostage taking situation than a relationship. It's not healthy, no one is truly happy as this type of relationship has little to do with love, and a lot to do with power and fear. If you are the recipient of abuse, you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't know how to have a loving relationship, so you are not going to have one. End of story. If you are the abuser, you don't know how to have a loving relationship, but you can learn if you are willing, and it's going to take some work.

Name calling and emotional abuse is just as damaging to a relationship as physical abuse is. Here are some examples of abusive  and undermining statements:
"No normal person would do that."
"Can't you do anything right?"
"You're crazy."
"Bitch."
"Are you stupid?"
Now, context does have to be applied here. If someone is ransacking your house and breaking your TV, it's appropriate to say that no normal person would do that. But if you spill a glass of milk by accident and your spouse tells you with a look of contempt that no normal person would do that, it's abuse. They are undermining your sense of self worth.

Abuse has to do with the extent of the reaction.

Uh. I could go on and on here. But basically, if you are physically,verbally, or emotionally intentionally hurting or harming, instilling fear or threatening, undermining or purposefully trying to make  your partner feel bad you are being abusive. Healthy relationships are about making your partner feel good. They're about uplifting your partner and loving them. If you are showing love to another you are not trying to hurt them. Or scare them. Simple as that. And if you are hurting your partner it saps away the love. Cue-end of relationship. Kindness and loving actions build love. Be kind to yourself, and kind to your partner.

2) Lack of Respect

Do you roll your eyes when your partner is talking? Belittle something they have said? Walk away from them when they are in the middle of a sentence? Show up for dinner an hour late without calling? Sentence them to days of silence when you are angry with them? Make fun of them in front of others? Criticize or cut them down either when you are alone or in front of others? Interrupt them or zone out when they're speaking?

...And then wonder why they don't want to sleep with you?
Respect and consideration are prime in keeping a relationship loving and healthy. And your partner deserves the highest level of respect of anyone in your life. If you ain't giving it, guaranteed you soon won't be getting any.

3) The Need to Win

Partnership, marriage, a happy relationship...competition and the need to win has to stay on the sports field and out of the bedroom. When you make yourself a winner in relationship with your partner, you've made them a loser, and that does not breed ooey gooey good feelings. It makes your partner feel....like a loser. This can show up in couples several ways. In arguments, where the goal becomes being the one who is right, rather than seeking to understand your partner's point of view. In how things are done around the house. "Seriously, who loads the dishwasher like that? Let me show you the proper way."  Or in more subtle areas, like trying to be the better, nicer parent.

Having to win usually comes from a place of trying to affirm one's own self worth, but in doing so, it places your partner's self worth at risk. Loving relationships are about seeking understanding, finding a win/win  or even a lose/lose. Agreeing to disagree. Because more often than not, nobody is wrong, the intent wasn't bad, you are just two different people who have different opinions and different perspectives on life. Choose to understand each other and learn. You'll be much happier.

4) The 'Agreement' Disguised as a Relationship

You'll provide the sex and he/she will provide the money. You provide the majority of the money and therefore you think he/she has to do every single damn other thing in the relationship to validate their worth while you sit there saying to yourself "I make more money than you." Or, the famous "It'll be cheaper to live together than apart." You might as well start your fund for the divorce lawyer now, because when he finds a younger quieter model, when she gets tired of being your maid, mother, cook and all around gopher girl, and when you realize that living together because it is cheaper is not always the best reason to take your relationship to the next level...and this will happen...well...lawyers love people like you. Because you get so darn angry when things end. Which is weird. Did you really think you were in a relationship? It's called an agreement. And whenever business partners enter into one of these, they start it with lawyers. Because they KNOW that someday it will end.

5)Laziness

If you don't want to work, don't enter into a relationship. It is a myth that relationships don't take work. They do. Would you go into your place of employment and because you were tired, sit there and do nothing while your co-workers hustled their butts on a major project? I don't think so. So don't be doing that around your partner. We all have exhausting days either at the office or at home taking care of the kids, and it's okay to be exhausted and take time off. But not all the time. It can get really easy to sit back and not put the effort into making your partner happy, just making yourself happy...but the happier you make yourself with your least amount of effort, the less happy your partner is bound to be, and the less they'll start to figure they actually need you around. Much better to make yourself useful and indispensable, don't you think? You're less likely to be fired.

6) Lousy Communication

Books have been written on this. Go buy a book on healthy communication and read it. Or don't. In which case you have immediately placed yourself in category 5. Enough said.

I could keep writing and writing on this. But I'm tired. So I'm done for now. I'm going to go take care of myself and keep myself happy. Because keeping oneself happy, helps one to bring more happiness to others.

A happy self, means more energy to help build happy and positive feelings in others. Making others feel good, feel taken care of, heard, respected, makes them feel loved. The more love one feels toward another, the stronger the attachment and the more likely the relationship will continue onwards. It's that simple. And, because we are human, that complicated. But it all starts with you. :)

Selfie Talk

Selfie  Talk
Since selfies are all the rage these days I'm going with the flow. :) A client of mine came in the other day and said that he'd read my blog. "GAAAHH" my mind said. "The one I haven't posted on in forever??" Yup. This would be the one. Whoops. People read these things. Who'd a thunk? After our session, I had to ponder why I haven't written anything here for eons. And, well....it's because of my selfie talk. The crazy chatter that overtakes my brain when I think about writing. I wasn't conscious of it, but it's been paralyzing me for a long time. I think about writing and the beast in my brain starts spouting:

What if you say something stupid?
You don't really have anything new to say, just give it up. Anything worth saying has been said.
You are going to say something wrong, crazy, over the top, irresponsible....
Nobody cares.
Etc, etc, etc. It's not good enough...Blah, blah, blah.

Apparently I've been listening to the beast. And believing it. Me.  Me who points out this stuff to my clients all the time. Because I had a thought, it turned into a belief, and I went with it.
What you believe, you create. I believed I had nothing to say, or that it wouldn't be good enough, and sure enough, nothing went down on this page for over a year. I created my own reality.

I 'what iffed' myself to the negative rather than the positive: What if I say something stupid? rather than What if I say something that really helps another person?

I bought into my thoughts as facts rather than them being just thoughts that need to be tweaked sometimes when they run to the negative. And I came to believe my negative thoughts.

I ignored alternative evidence about my writing. (Anyone who reads my writing tells me I have a voice that needs to be heard, yet I dismiss or ignore that.)

We need to check on what we are thinking, because what we think does create our reality. You can change your thoughts. It takes work. It takes diligence. It takes being conscious of them. But if you want the life you imagine in your dreams, it's a task worth taking on. Because when you change what you think, you change what you become. :)